For most of my youth, I spent my days studying and working hard for my education career, hoping to get a promising career. Of course, all those hours, days, weeks, and months I put into studying have gone to waste–at least for now, that is how I feel. With the belief that if I continue my education, I can one day become a true adult with a promising career leading to a bright future, I kept pushing through my education while continuously job hunting. Now just the thought of school and homework makes me exhausted.
Maybe I have reached a breaking point, or perhaps I’m just through with school as I sit and idle while asking, “why the hell did I decide to go back to school?” Whatever the reason, I know for sure that I wish I were spending my 30s a bit differently. Instead of going to work and coming back home to focus on my assignments, I would instead go to work and come back home to enjoy my hobbies or put all focus on my small business. It’s to the point where I now wish to travel without having to worry about due dates, cramming all my assignments in a week, or carrying my laptop and textbooks around. Perhaps work is finally burning me out as the drama continues, and I feel imprisoned after being there for five years as my job hunt continues to fail. The perfect vision I built for myself is also drifting further as I fantasize about myself in another world where I am a rich and kickass woman.
I question my sanity sometimes and always conclude that I am somewhat normal—just a woman who still dreams big. There are nights I humor myself when I silently pray to my late father, grandpa, and grandmother to send me a tree that can bloom coins and dollars. One that never dies, so I can retire early and won’t have to worry about money for the rest of my life. At the end of the day, as I lie down on my comfy bed, stretch my sore back, and stare up at the interesting ceiling that only looks like a snow blizzard, I can only think, all I want to do is chill and enjoy a carefree life. Who doesn’t?
MaiMai 