If Mails Can be send to Heaven

If there was a way to send letters to the dead, then I will probably be up late into the night writing endless letters. I won’t be writing long pages of letter, but rather short and straight to the point letters. The last few words I had to said to each person I had lost over the years. I’d asked them questions that I always wanted to ask, but never did. I’ll apologize to them for the mean and hurtful words I never meant to say. Lastly, I’ll let them how much I appreciated having them in my life.

To Sun Young, the friend that cooked me food when I was too lazy to do so,

I wish you would have listened to me and left his ass. It broke my heart when you took your life, then again at the same time I was not surprised at your action. You lived in a country with one of the highest suicide rate and one where divorce is shunned upon on. Did you finally find your grandmother in heaven? How is she doing? As much as I missed you, I also missed your spicy stir fry pork. Can you please send me the recipe to your secret sauce?

To Tyler, the kid I hated but loved because you were my friend,

It was only after a year after we graduated high school. We all made it through the first year of college, then as I scrolled through Facebook I saw the news. I even came to the memorial that our high school dedicated to you. Yes, you were right and I was wrong. You were that much of a great influence. LOL, just lying. A year later, I learned the truth that you took your own life because of girl. Why? Everyone was angry when we learned the truth. Then again, we were also angry because it was your big mouth aunt that let the secret out. Still though, why you do it? I finally gave up asking that question a year after your death, because after a few psychology classes I came to realize (or at the very least hoping) that you were showing signs of depression and anxiety. It all show through your Facebook posts. Are you still playing football up there? Most everyone from high school are married now. Did you find a beautiful wife or girlfriend? If not, it’s okay because me and a few other of our friends are still single.

To Abby, the girl who smiled too often and hide her true feelings

I always hated how optimistic you were, then again that’s probably why we became friends. I remember sitting in the hallway during a floor meeting with our RA’s and thought to myself “I need a friend like her to get rid of my negative energy.” Why didn’t you never let anyone know what you were going through? Why did you always had to smile when you were hurt, frustrated, and upset? You were like a robot, a smiling robot. I wish you would have expressed yourself more, but you kept yourself bottled up and never said a single thing. I always admired that about you. You never complained about how tired or frustrated you were, but kept smiling. Are you still smiling up there? Remember my dog, Coco? If you see her, you can keep her. She always liked you more than me.

To my old and frail maternal grandmother that became a stranger to me,

Were you sad that we never called or visited? If so, sorry for not calling more often. And trust me, if you had lived only a few minutes away instead of fifteen states away we would have visited you more often. I don’t remember what we even talked about during our last phone call. The only thing I remember was that you kept calling me different names. I was all giggles while reminding you of who you were talking to. It wasn’t until later on that I realized that you might have been suffering from Alzheimer’s. In fact, a lot of us (all your grandchildren) started suspecting that you were showing late symptoms of Alzheimers, but we didn’t knew it back then. Also, those Hmong clothes that you made for me, yeah they no longer fit. But they are store away in a safe place. I only wished we could have made more memories together.

To my grumpy paternal grandpa who passed away while calling out our names,

Every time grandma reminds us that when you were near your last breath you called out to us, but we weren’t there. It makes me frustrated because you were the one that choose to go lived in a state where you none of your own blood and flesh lived. Even after my dad and uncle begged you and grandma to come back, you guys never did. Why did you have to be so stubborn? Why didn’t you listen? That’s why you spent your last days being alone or nearly alone. I couldn’t even come your funeral because airplane tickets was so expensive, but did you know that I had to crammed five finals into two days so that my parents can come pick me up to make it for your funeral. It wasn’t hard, in fact it was all too easy for me. As you know, your granddaughter here can handle anything or almost anything. I hope you’re doing well up there. Also, you should give grandma a visit whenever you can so that she can lessen the nagging on us grandkids.

To my authoritative father, but a loving and supporting one,

Sometimes I wished you would have listened to us, more like mom. Why bother going out to help the community at your age? Especially since you were older and no longer healthy and strong. I get it that you said you are doin git for the sake of us, your children. However, we would have appreciate it if you had just stay home and do nothing strenuous. Now look at what had happened because you couldn’t stay still. Everything has changed. Do you miss us like we miss you? Is your skull back to normal? Sorry for signing the form to let them do the craniotomy, but I had too or we were going to lose you right then and right there. Can you finally speak now? Had I know that I was not going to hear your voice ever again, I would had called home more often. I’m sorry that you didn’t get a chance to go to community college like you wanted and I’m sorry that you had to be our father.

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