Why I am not happy?

Lately, I have been reevaluating my life or at least tried. I came to the realization that my life is unfulfilled. I keep wanting more and that just caused me to be unhappy. After writing down the little things that make me unhappy on a daily basis, I grouped them together. In doing so, I was able to see the main reasons why I’m unhappy.

I have always realized that there are so many things I have never tried, but I did not know that the urge to try them was so huge in me. When my father was alive, there were certain things that I stayed away from like dying my hair. It was a big no and that means trouble. That didn’t mean I dye my hair right away after he passed away. I actually waited a whole year and I picked up a box of hair dye from Walmart. On a side note, Brad Mondo would have a heart attack if only he knew. There more things I want to try, but it’s the little things that I never got to do as a kid or teenager. Additionally, I really want to get a second ear piercing, but I’m afraid which brings me to my next reasoning.

Even though my father is no longer breathing on this planet, I’m afraid to get a reputation of being a “bad daughter.” Anyone that understand the Hmong culture, would and hopefully knows where I’m coming from. My father did have a good reputation and wherever my siblings and I went, as long as we mentioned his name we were welcome with warm arms and smiles. Most days I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and it is just causing me to be anxious. I used to live a carefree life, if not all the time, then for the most part I did. Now, I’m left being jealous of some people. I feel like my hands are tied, I can’t move freely, and can’t breathe properly.

Although, this third reasoning may sound funny I don’t know why it’s on my paper, but there have been countless times I wish there was just this special someone by my side. Someone that I can talk too and rely on. Someone to just hold me and make me laugh. But at the same time, I’m so afraid to fall in love and I don’t know why. This shall be discuss another time.

Lastly, I feel like I have no purpose. I don’t know what I exactly want to do or be in my life. When my father was alive, sure I had a purpose. Making him proud was the only purpose I had, but now I’m not so sure no more. I want to say screw the biology degree I work so hard for and just be carefree. Live my own life doing what I think is best for me, but I don’t even know where to start. Additionally, I can’t let go of my biology degree. I work so hard for it, studying day and night to just earn it and I’m going to let it all go to waste just like that. I asked myself, why did I even decide to study biology in the first place? Why did I even want to go to medical school? Why I wanted to become a doctor? It all came down to because I wanted to make my father proud. So now what?

As I’m sitting here typing this, I’m still reevaluating life because this time I want to at least do it for myself and not someone else. Of course, I still want to make my family proud and there are many ways to fulfill that, I just need to figure it out for myself.