Why I am not happy?

Lately, I have been reevaluating my life or at least tried. I came to the realization that my life is unfulfilled. I keep wanting more and that just caused me to be unhappy. After writing down the little things that make me unhappy on a daily basis, I grouped them together. In doing so, I was able to see the main reasons why I’m unhappy.

I have always realized that there are so many things I have never tried, but I did not know that the urge to try them was so huge in me. When my father was alive, there were certain things that I stayed away from like dying my hair. It was a big no and that means trouble. That didn’t mean I dye my hair right away after he passed away. I actually waited a whole year and I picked up a box of hair dye from Walmart. On a side note, Brad Mondo would have a heart attack if only he knew. There more things I want to try, but it’s the little things that I never got to do as a kid or teenager. Additionally, I really want to get a second ear piercing, but I’m afraid which brings me to my next reasoning.

Even though my father is no longer breathing on this planet, I’m afraid to get a reputation of being a “bad daughter.” Anyone that understand the Hmong culture, would and hopefully knows where I’m coming from. My father did have a good reputation and wherever my siblings and I went, as long as we mentioned his name we were welcome with warm arms and smiles. Most days I feel like I’m walking on eggshells and it is just causing me to be anxious. I used to live a carefree life, if not all the time, then for the most part I did. Now, I’m left being jealous of some people. I feel like my hands are tied, I can’t move freely, and can’t breathe properly.

Although, this third reasoning may sound funny I don’t know why it’s on my paper, but there have been countless times I wish there was just this special someone by my side. Someone that I can talk too and rely on. Someone to just hold me and make me laugh. But at the same time, I’m so afraid to fall in love and I don’t know why. This shall be discuss another time.

Lastly, I feel like I have no purpose. I don’t know what I exactly want to do or be in my life. When my father was alive, sure I had a purpose. Making him proud was the only purpose I had, but now I’m not so sure no more. I want to say screw the biology degree I work so hard for and just be carefree. Live my own life doing what I think is best for me, but I don’t even know where to start. Additionally, I can’t let go of my biology degree. I work so hard for it, studying day and night to just earn it and I’m going to let it all go to waste just like that. I asked myself, why did I even decide to study biology in the first place? Why did I even want to go to medical school? Why I wanted to become a doctor? It all came down to because I wanted to make my father proud. So now what?

As I’m sitting here typing this, I’m still reevaluating life because this time I want to at least do it for myself and not someone else. Of course, I still want to make my family proud and there are many ways to fulfill that, I just need to figure it out for myself.

4 responses to “Why I am not happy?”

  1. Hang in there! ♥ The great thing is you have a long life ahead of you and can start to do the things you always wished you could. Some people don’t realize it til they’re much older and have much less time to make all the things they want happen for themselves. You are ahead of the curve! And a biology degree looks great to ppl no matter what you decide to do 🙂

    1. Thank you so much for your inspiring words!

  2. You don’t need the hair dye. Your dark hair is beautiful and perfect the way it is. Save your money and don’t get your hair dye. As for the extra piercing, it is up to you. If it were me, I say if you already got both ears pierced, then there’s no need to get another piercing.

    For the special someone, I hope you meet him soon or he meets you soon. Life is full of suffering and hardships. If there is someone special with you, it can help ease the hardship a little bit. However, that’s for another time as you say. Now for the Biology degree, you can try to find work in the medical field, life sciences, or biology. And if none of those work, find a job that you like or that pays enough in some other fields. People who have degrees often work in environments that do not even use their degree. For example, social science majors working in IT.

    Overall, all of the sources of your unhappiness are related to your late father. I’m terribly sorry that it happened and he passed away sooner than he should. Condolences to you! This is not something that you’ll get over soon or will ever get over. Your father’s support has helped you become carefree but also gave you a sense of direction along with happiness. Without his support, it’s gotten more difficult. Maybe you’re still healing and needs more time? I don’t know. If only everyone knew the answers to their problems, everything would be way easier. May happiness come your way soon if not sooner!

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