How I’ve Been Feeling

Hello Readers,

I know it has been quite a long time since I’ve been active, but a lot has happened for these past three months and I just needed time to think and recollect my thoughts. Nonetheless, I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and New Year. For these past three months, I have been doing a lot of thinking and re-evaluating my life because lately, I have been feeling unsatisfied and unhappy. I have been spending my days dreaming about how I so wish for my life to be so more different. There has been so many “what if’s” that I just keep questioning myself which in turn makes me doubt my own capabilities. Life has been hard and I’m trying my best to stay put together, but I’m still a mess. There are days when I get up and I just look at the mirror telling myself “You’re 26 years old and you have no life. No real career. You’re just one hot mess and need to get your shit together.” Yeah, I’ve been hard on myself lately.

It has been hard waking up in the morning because I just don’t want to wake up since I’m so tired. I feel tired all the time. Tired, cold, and hopeless. The things that I used to enjoy doing, I’m slowly starting to lose interest. I’ve been spending my money on useless shit like clothes I don’t really need, and expensive makeup that I don’t even have time to wear. I bought a ukulele when I shouldn’t have, but I bought it in hopes that I’ll pick up a new hobby. I have these fleece fabrics that I still need to put together to make blankets because thank goodness winter is still here. I hate going to work because I’m tired of dealing with customers. I’m tired of the drive, reckless driving, and traffic.  Now, I am not lying when I say my life has sucked lately because it has been.

I work too much, and I have too much time on my hands to be dealing with stupid and rude customers. I’m tired of my mom crying and muttering about how much life has changed since my father passed away. I’m exhausted from all the thinking I have been doing. I just want to run away home. I really want someone to talk to, I want to tell my friends, but I can’t. Always, I thought I was really close to my friends, most of them, but I guess I’m not that close to them. I feel like since I’m someone that comes off as strong, independent, responsible, and someone that they can come too when they need advice or help makes it all the harder for me to approach them to listen to me. Every time I meet up with my friends, it’s hard for me to tell them how I honestly feel because I feel like they expect to hear stupid funny stories from me.

I honestly do not know where or how my life will go from here on out. All I know is that my life right now is bitter, exhausting, and miserable. Despite that, I always pray for a little bit of sunshine each day, just enough to get through.

5 responses to “How I’ve Been Feeling”

  1. Hi MaiMai,

    I’m glad you’re back and updating again! I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and New Year as well! Do not be too harsh on yourself. You’ll get to where you want to be. If not now, then later because you are actually making progress to get there. And you’re not a mess; you’re just still trying to figure everything out just like everybody. Wouldn’t it be nice if all of us knew what was going on and how to get what we want and where we want to be?

    First of all, I’m sorry about your father passing away. His passing away is a very heavy loss to your mom and you and the family as well. It’s going to take some time before everyone adjust to the changes. What you’re feeling is normal. Like you, I have also reached the point where I’m starting to question myself too because I’m 27 years old and I don’t have a career or life yet.

    Maybe all of this is a sign for a change? It’s time to go after a new career since working with customers is draining you. Find some temp agency or temp job or job board and see if that’ll help you get somewhere new. Go back home since you want to run away home and get away from everything. Maybe take a vacation too? Go somewhere new or just sleep in and rest until you feel better.

    Don’t be afraid to share your stories or your feelings. Don’t bottle up your feelings because it can and will hurt you eventually. Life is not easy. People who are understanding of others and life will acknowledge this. If only I live closer to you, I would be more than happy to treat you to dinner. And then we can talk and share stories among ourselves while exchanging feelings.

    Stay strong MaiMai. You made it this far. I believe in you and know that you can and will get better soon. The negative feelings you are having is normal and temporary. I’ll be looking forward to your next update. Until then, Best Wishes to you MaiMai! 🙂

    Kawm ^_^

    1. Hey Kawm,
      It’s been a while. And yes, it is time for a change just that where I live there is very few opportunities available. I daresay it might even be time for my family to move, as we’ve been living at the same residence for 24 years. And I finally did put in a short vacation towards the end of the month because I need to a few days to pent out frustrations and detox my mind. Thank you for all of your support and kind words this whole entire time.

      1. You’re welcome MaiMai! ^_^
        I’m glad I can help support you!
        I look forward to your future posts and update!

  2. I’ve been waiting for an update from you,! I cried reading this, but I’m going to pray for you and your family to get through this.

    1. Hi Brittany,
      It’s nice to see you on the blog again. Sorry that I made you cried, I wasn’t meaning to make this into some emotional rampage. Maybe I sort of did without knowing?? Anyway, thank you for your kind words and thoughts.

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