Journal Diaries

I put myself before others

My friends described me as someone savage and selfish. They usually tell me that I don’t really give the damn about others because I’m too concern about myself and my own problems. They all say I should be the last person they come running to when they have problems, but I’m always the first. And they all agree about how much they loved  me just because I loved myself.

There was actually a time when I put others before myself because I have this angelic and kind image that everyone put beside my name and face. Even when some of the my peers didn’t respectfully treat me and my friends said shit to me I kind of just let it passed by because I figure they were just having another bad day. I thought that if I put others before me first I would be happier. Happy because people would like me due to my kind nature, happy because my teacher praised me for me being a kind peer and helping other students. Happy because other people were happy.

Then I lost it. At some point I just could not stand it anymore. My friends were constantly asking me to let them copy my homework, asking me to “help” them do parts and bits of their projects. My peers’ jokes and teasing were beginning to get of out line to the point I couldn’t handle it. And I was starting to not like any of them, all to hell I even started to not like myself. But I couldn’t tell no one because my parents always told me that even if I didn’t like a certain person I should always respect them.

That was when I finally told myself I don’t have to be kind to other people my parents told me to respect people who I don’t like that doesn’t mean I have to be nice and friendly. I can be harsh, but respectful at the same time. And school counselors and teachers always say treat people how you would like to be treated, so if my peers are going to treat me the way they do then that’s what they’re going to get.

And so my personality change 180 degrees, a total change. I started putting myself more before others. I sometimes would not help my friends with doing their projects until I finished my mine, because I knew that they never did help me in the past and never will. They could no longer copied my homework because the answers and the work are mine and the grade they get is basically mine that they have been borrowing for the longest time. I started calling some of my peers names until they would call my name correctly and I knew that they knew how to pronounced my name. I became this savage devil and I loss a lot of friends on the way. However, I feel so different and gain so much more.

Ever since I started putting myself before others (most of the time) I feel so much more worthy of myself. And I feel like other people also started to see how worthy I am and how much capability I possessed. I’m no longer timid, instead I am so much more bolder now than ever and I realized how much I love myself. Since I started to love myself much more I was more happier.

As I mentioned before I loss some friends when I had that personality flip, but along the way I gained so many friends who love me for my savageness and my partial compassionate. I also have friends who stayed beside of  me when I flipped my personality and they were proud that I decided to come out of my turtle shell. And for the most part they were right that I have been living in my turtle shell for quite a long time. So I was also happy that I got out of that turtle shell.

I am a bit self-centered and selfish who for the majority of the time put myself before others, but there is nothing wrong for me to love myself. I don’t love myself more than I love my family or friends. When I love myself, not only do I see how worthy I am, but others around me begins to the do same and because I love who I am they do to.

When you put yourself before others it is not because you are selfish, but it is because you are self-fulling. For once you are doing something for you, and of course you can sit and wait for that miraculous gift to happen, but it’s not going to happen if you don’t take action. In this era that we lived in, to succeed you have to protect yourself from virulent people, chase after your dreams, and become the star of your own life. And if people start leaving you because they feel uncomfortable, then let them be because there was no relationship to begin with. You don’t always have to give up yourself or be the sacrifice lamb. So, if you think there is no one worthy for you to live for and love for, you do now. It’s you.

2 thoughts on “I put myself before others”

  1. Absolutely! Loving yourself and putting yourself first is not selfish. It’s just caring for your own well-being. There’s no crime nor selfishness in that. Loving yourself also means not being someone’s door mat. Any person who wants happiness and respect, should not tolerate being treated like shit! If I were you, I would feel the same way too if people talked a lot of shit about me and treated me like crap by making cruel jokes and insults.

    I liked how you became your own individual woman and care for yourself. Now that you are loving yourself, people will respect you more because they know you will not take shit from them. And that scares them because they’re weak and pathetic people who only prey on those who do not fight back. If you gain friends by being yourself, then good for you. And if you lose friends by loving yourself, then so be it.

    Loving yourself doesn’t mean ignoring everybody and letting them do everything on their own. It just means that you know your worth, has respect for yourself and others, and know when to help or let others on their own. Your last few sentences are powerful. “So, if you think there is no one worthy for you to live for and love for, you do now. It’s you.” Thank you for this spectacular post!

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