Advice from MaiMai

Advice from MaiMai #3

Anon 4014 sent in the following:

Over the summer I found out that my ex passed away in a car accident on his way returning to home. I don’t exactly know the real story of the accident, but all I know from friends and his family is that he went to visit his wife and the accident happened the morning when he was coming back home. Long story short, they lived apart due to their jobs and take turns driving to each other places. We dated back in high school, he broke up with me and later I found out he was dating her. I wasn’t completely over him yet, but I also went on to date a few other guys. When we broke up, I didn’t want him to be happy, better yet I wanted him to be miserable just like me. I didn’t like seeing him being happy with someone else, while I was still not over. So, when I found out that they were getting married, I wasn’t happy. I was upset because he never once experienced the pain I went through. However, their marriage didn’t last that long only three months. 

After I learned about the incident, I felt horrible because I finally begin to feel that I should have been happy for him instead of wishing for the worse. I feel like everything is my fault. And now I feel like I need to meet with his wife, or widow, just because I need closure, after four years since our break up, something I never received from our relationship. However, I don’t know about the idea of suddenly popping up and meeting his widow. I haven’t told anyone, no one because I don’t know what to say and my parents didn’t even know that he was boyfriend then. Should I give it a try or no?

MaiMai says:

I’m sorry for your lost and I’m sure that you’re going through some complicated times. I cannot answer that question for you, you will have to answer it for yourself. And you’re right about just suddenly popping up to talk to his widow. It could be a good thing or a wrong thing. If things turns out perfectly like how you plan it, it’s good and if not, well we can all only hope for the best. Your best option is to seek advice from your family and friends. They’re the best support you have right now.

And let this be a lesson for you to learn about another form of love. Sometimes we should be happy for the other party no matter how wrong he/she did to us. We cannot always hold onto the hate because that leads to regretting decisions, just like yours, for all we know what only happened in the past and today. When you begin to accept someone else’s happiness instead of fighting it, you find yours to be a hundred more times happier. I wish you all the best.


1 thought on “Advice from MaiMai #3”

  1. Anon 4014,

    Please do not feel bad about your ex’s passing. He passed away due to circumstances beyond your control. Why should you hold yourself accountable to any of it? You may have wished for him to suffer but he has to be alive to suffer. Now if you had wished for him to die, it would be no different because you had nothing to do with it. Regardless of whether wishing for him to suffer or be dead, you had nothing to do with his death. Therefore, you cannot blame yourself for this tragedy.

    As for closure, go right ahead and talk with the widow. Both you and the ex must have had an awesome relationship for you to hold onto such negative and hostile feelings towards your ex. It seems that you’re just using guys to get over your ex. You’ll only hurt yourself in the long run no matter who you’re with because you’re not over your ex. Here’s my suggestion on getting closure:

    Call the widow and say, “Hello, my name is Anon 4014 and (ex’s name) is a friend I used to have. I was wondering if we could meet up and talk?”

    If she says “no,” then you should probably stay away from her. But don’t take “no” for an answer. Insist on it. Tell her that (ex’s name) is very important and it would mean so much if you could meet with her. Maybe spill some of the ex’s secret as well. If she says “yes,” then go meet and talk with her.

    When meeting with her, express your condolences that you’re sorry for her husband’s departure. Tell a little bit about yourself and a little bit about the ex. Explain how both of you met and became friends. Afterwards, go into how both of you once became a couple. Then tell the widow about how the ex suddenly broke off with you and left you in misery to suffer. Not one day has passed where you stopped thinking about the ex. He was always on your mind and you never got closure from him.

    Tell the widow that as of now, you still care about the ex. Mention to her that you can’t help but feel sad that he passed away. Now deliver your most important message. Tell her that the ex left you for her suddenly and you never got the closure you needed. Ask her, “Why did (ex’s name) leave me for you?” “Did he ever once mention anything about previous friends/exs?” “If he were here, what would he say?” Listen to her response.

    Once everything is good and done, thank the widow for her time. DO NOT tell the widow that you wanted the ex to suffer – that’s the last thing a widow would want to hear – because she just lost her husband. Once everything is done, you should have closure. Tell the widow, “I wish you the best,” and leave. Now that you have had your closure, move on and enjoy life for happiness is to come sooner or later.

    Best wishes to you Anon 4014,

    Kawm 🙂

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