Anon4012 sent in:
My younger sister is dating a man who is twice her age. I have met the man a few times before, but never really bother to talk to him much. My mom, grandparents, and a few other family members like him very much. However, I’m not fond of him. First, I don’t think I can think of my as my brother-in-law. He’s only a few years younger than my mom. He can pass by as my uncle. Moreover, he’s a divorcee with two kids from his previous marriage. And my sister knows that I don’t like him, but she wants me to like him. So, she keeps asking me to hang out with them and their friends which I’m not too comfortable with. Finally, I feel like we are growing apart. And I don’t want a man to come between us. What do I tell her so that she can understand me? It’s not like I never tried to have a conversation with her regarding him.
I can totally understand from your point of view as I have two younger sisters myself. From the looks of it it sounds like you and your sister probably have similar conversations before but none of it turns out too go well. All I can say is that you just need to tell her to stop inviting you out since it makes you uncomfortable. As sisters, you should not let a man come between you two, the same goes for her. If she already knows that you’re uncomfortable with the age gap and the divorce, then don’t often remind her about it. I’m sure she knows that with time you will slowly, but hopefully and surely accept him.
One of my other advice is that if there is any personal words/secrets that you have not yet told her, for example, you’re afraid that you’re slowly losing her (I know I am with my younger siblings) then you should let her know. Or if you don’t like the idea of her always being around him, talking about him 24/7, and always meeting him then let her know. This will tell her that you still want to hangout with her, but you don’t want to hear her talk about him all the time and you just want time for some sisterly moments.
It’s okay to be jealous of them, it’s natural for an older sibling to be quite possessive of a younger sibling. You’re not actually jealous jealous of your younger sibling, but it’s that mother/father instinct in you that you’re afraid she’s going to get hurt by the man she loves so much. In that case, you should let her know with the right words.
Don’t tell her that he don’t deserve her because he is old, has wrinkles and is a divorcee. That’ll only hurt her. Instead you should reassure her. Tell her that even though you may not like the man, you’re not against them dating and even though you don’t like the sound of marriage you’re not going to be against them (especially when everyone else in the family seems to be getting along with him and they may just approve of the marriage). Reassure her that one day if she gets hurt by him you’ll be there for her and she can always come back to you. Reassure her that if she does end up with a “happily ever after” ending then you’ll be happy for you as well.
This not only will help reconnect the sister bond between the two of you, but it also lets her know that you’re on her side and you always have been. You may not show any fondness to the man she likes or adore him like your other family members, but it’ll let her know your true feelings.
8 responses to “Advice from MaiMai #1”
So what do you not like about him? The fact that he’s a divorcee, that he has kids, that he’s twice your sister’s age, and/or what? You don’t feel comfortable with him and his friends. Do you trust them or have doubts about them?
Overall, I think it’s just you being protective as an older sibling. You are probably worried for her and her future since the man has a long past while your sister is just starting out her life. From your post, your sister has already already known that you don’t like him. It seems that the conversation between both of you did not go so well.
I think you’re also insecure as well as protective. If your sister is spending more time with the man, then she’s spending less time with you. That can build up jealousy and insecurity. Sometimes we just have to accept that siblings have their own choices and will go their own separate ways away from ours.
Your sister has already made her choice and you have to respect that. Siblings can influence but not control the choices of other siblings. In the end, all you can do is be supportive or not, and accept your younger sister’s choice. Let your sister know that you’ll always be on her side and be there for her even though you don’t like the man she’s with.
I can totally understand you since I was once like that when my younger sister was dating her ex. He was 25 years older than her and had been married two times. She was so in loved with him during that period, that whatever I said didn’t matter to her at all and we got into heated arguments. Both sides of my family liked him, but I didn’t and our older brother didn’t as well. There things he said at times that made us feel uncomfortable or how he just kept wanting to try to win us over by buying our favorite food or expensive gifts. None of which I wanted. She finally moved in with him for almost a year, but returned home being an emotional wreck. Something that I had already predicted when I first met the guy, and tried to tell her but she didn’t listened.
I can totally relate because sometimes you can’t really tell what a person is like since they can always put in a sheep skin. But I agree that even though you don’t like the man just tried to tell her that you’re still on her side.
Wow!! This is my best friend’s worry. I can’t believe you actually picked hers, we both read it over and over again to make sure nothing was left out. And to whoever said that my friend is insecure, she’s not. She is a self made woman, has a wonderful job, an excellent husband and a cute little boy who is almost one year old. She’s just worry about her younger sister, whom is 23 years old, and always end up in bad relationships.
Hey! I’m glad to see you back. LOL.
I’m glad to be back too! I see that you made a lot of changes to your blog! I still love it though!
Hello there HANNAH!
Is it really your best friend’s sister? Since I don’t know, I’ll just assume that what you wrote is true. If your best friend is a successful woman, I’m sure she can show her sister the way. Since the young sister has been through many bad relationships, your best friend can help her sister find a good man so she does not get into a bad relationship again. However, there is also the age gap between them: one is a 23 years old and the other is older. Maybe the young sister has different interest and/or different ways of communicating.
The young sister just wants a good man, and she’s willing to take any man who treats her well. Maybe the man seems good to her and she’s not in the right mind and has not seen/realize his flaws. How long have they been together? If long, then your best friend might have to consider him as a brother-in-law one day. If not, then there’s still chances for changes.
Your best friend is already a successful woman and has been through the tough times before. She knows what she wants and has herself secure and happy. Her sister is just a young 23-year-old woman starting out her life and trying to figure out the world and herself and what she wants. Let her explore and learn. If she has to be hurt to find out, then so be it. Your best friend trying to sway her sister is seen as negative and oppressive. This points to mistrust and insecurity. All your friend can do is just be patient and be supportive for her young sister no matter what choices she makes, even if the choices are not in favor of your best friend.
Best wishes to your best friend and her sister!
LoL it is. We’ve known each other since our kids days. It’s a complicated story. After, their second conversation that didn’t went so well they never talked about him again. So they got a long fine for a while. Until recently she told my friend that he has this crazy exgirlfriend that is a threat to him and her. My friend ask for information like who is this crazy ex, but the younger sister don’t know the name or what the ex looks like.
The boyfriend didn’t want to tell either.
My friend says that no matter what situations he may have had in the past or any secrets that he told her younger sister not to tell anyone, they need to know who this crazy ex is. And the younger sister was like he won’t tell because he’s afraid that she (the younger sister) will probably try to confront the ex and that it’s okay because he reported to the police so there is a restraining order on the ex.
My friend then said on his next visit to a their family dinner, she ask him privately for the name. Then It became a “you don’t understand him bc you never really wanted to get to know him” and a “well maybe if he’ll let us know who this crazy ex we need to keep an eye for then I’ll finally start opening up to him. But how can I trust you in his care when he won’t give us a name.”
Younger sister got upset and started crying saying that she shouldn’t have told my friend, but my friend with her stern attitude at times like this was that she won’t tell their parents but if her younger sister or any of her younger sister’s friends let out one slip about this crazy ex then she is going to have to tell their parents.
As far the relationship, I remember my friend saying something that it’s going be a year and three months for her younger sister.
Wow! A crazy ex! And yet the man refuses to disclose the identity of the ex for everyone’s own safety. How inconsiderate of him. This justifies your best friend having every right to worry about her younger sister. How can he not disclose the ex’s identity if they been together for a year and 3 months? Does he not trust her? Does he have something to hide? I would have told her the identity of the ex if it ever came up. What did this man do to make the ex that crazy about him? Now he just looks suspicious. LOL! He’s probably hiding some deep dark secret that he hasn’t told anyone yet.
Well, I have nothing left to say. All I’ll say is good luck to your best friend and her sister. Hopefully, everything goes well and no one is hurt. Stay safe and best wishes! 🙂