Journal Diaries

Anxious Mornings

There are mornings that I don’t want to get up from my bed. I just want to close my eyes all day and not do anything. I don’t feel like seeing my friends. I don’t want to hear about their problems or hear about their exciting previous days/nights. Instead I just want to curl up and hide under my blanket. I get anxious going to class. Get anxious of getting called on to answer a question and I might look stupid giving the wrong answer. I get anxious that I may not know what I’m doing and everyone is laughing at me. I get anxious that no one wants to work with me. I just preferred to be in the background where I easily blend in. I get anxious sitting alone at table in cafeteria as wondering eyes heads my direction thinking that I don’t have any friends. And I barely have a lot of friends on campus.

Mornings like those I just curled in my bed a little longer and think about all the weight on my shoulders. It feels as if the whole world is sitting my shoulders and I just want to cry. I look into the mirror to reject my body and throw my book bag on and get going. And as I walk to my classes I silently tell myself it is only a few hours of survival. I sit in my classes and endlessly look at the minute hand on my watch. I can’t focus nor hear what my professor is saying. All I can think is “this day is almost over.”

Endless nights I think to myself “when did I become like this”? When did I became such a weak person? Tossing and turning in my bed I listen to the late night sirens and the screeching tires of reckless driving at 3 am. And I can smell the smoke of the lit cigarettes from outside as I can only think about how inconsiderate people are smoking close to the buildings. As I struggled to keep my eyes open I only pray for a better morning and if I can’t become my old cheerful self then for a better day when I slowly become a newer and stronger me.


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