Journal Diaries

Just an Introvert

I can never be an extrovert. Not that I have never try, I did and those were probably the moments I want to erase from my life. It takes a lot of courage for me to just approach someone and say “Hi.” So imagine all those times when teachers would make you introduce yourself in front of the whole class, yeah I wanted to kill me myself. In fact, I get so anxious and nervous that I forget the questions I’m supposed to be answering for my introduction. Or when the teacher is like “why don’t all of you talk for a moment to know each other and let me run back to the office to get (whatever the teacher forgot).” While everyone is talking, I’m just sitting there. It always seem that everyone has someone to turn and talk to, but I don’t. And I especially hate group work because apparently, I just don’t know when to jumped into the conversation and half time I feel like I’m not even being listened too.In fact I’m so used to being ignore that even when a group member ask me for my opinion I don’t say much and just go along with the flow.  I’m 24 years old and I still feel the same way.

Making new friends is something that I find hard too, I can’t be friends with someone that is always bubbly and very outgoing nor can I befriend someone that is way shyer than me. Even when I finally get the chance to talk to almost everyone in my class, I still feel out casted. I mean somehow everyone has each other’s number and here I am with only one other classmate’s number in case I miss class. So did I like miss out on the day where everyone decided to share their number on the board? And even when I hear a student asking another student “hey can I have your number” and everyone starts sharing number, I just can’t jump into the conversation. Not unless someone asked me first and then I’m totally in, I don’t have the courage to do so.

Most of my friends are also introverts, and we all agree one thing. If one person is left alone while everyone is out doing something like family reunions or some other event, that one person is extremely lonely. That’s how most of my weekends are at Western Carolina, I don’t have that many friends on campus. And on the weekends my friends are at home or working and if I want to do something fun I just can’t because there are no other people around my circle. Not to mention I spend my weekends fulfilling my youth with lots of Asian drama, studying, and napping. Of course, I also spend time doing Pilates in my room because I hate going to the gym.

More importantly, I hate it when someone tells me “oh you should go out and make some friends.” That’s a big NO from me because it just makes me more anxious and I just want to leave. Or when someone in general say “you should make new friends”  I just want to give them that look that says “Thanks for the advice, as if I haven’t try.” Additionally, as an introvert I find it extremely hard to just talk to anyone in general about my feelings and how horrible my day is. And that’s probably the only reason why I would buy stuffed animals time to time just so that I can have something to hold or hug while I just think about almost everything. At the end of the day it’s just me, my laptop/phone/iPad, books and more studying while listening to world of extrovertiness surrounding me.



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