Letters not Send, #1

Dear Mao,

Once a upon a time we were friends. I remember the first day you moved and started school with us. You had no one. No one wanted to be your friends, but since I already knew you when you moved I became your friend and soon you joined our group of friends. Forever friends we were, or at least we thought. For moment, I just thought of how short our friendship lasted, barely made it through middle school. Actually, it didn’t even made it through middle school.

I thought amongst to myself that even though, other girls of our group of friends didn’t like me any longer and couldn’t accept me for who I am. I thought at least I had you. I thought you had my back like how I always had yours. I was wrong. For the longest time I hated you. I hated you because you turned your back against me when I did nothing wrong against you. I hated you because you left me without ever thinking if you hurt my feelings. I hated you because you hated me for no reasons but to just hate me like almost every other girls that hated me.

For a long time I questioned myself why and what I did wrong. But I couldn’t find no other answer other than I chose the wrong friends. I wanted to be like, I wanted to fit in but I couldn’t.

Since then I ignored you. Even when I see you I on the road or in the store I make a detour. And I know it sounds childish, but that was how much I hated you. I didn’t, no, I couldn’t stand the sight of your face. I wanted you to know, to feel the same pain I felt. And everyday I cursed that one day you will face the same day. But I know that you won’t go through the same I went through.

Years went by and I just accept the fact of everything that happened. Accepting it as my karma from past misdeeds or even living a damn horrible past life. And I don’t even believe in past lives. But, I forgive you and myself.

While you’re starting the next chapter of your life, I’m also rewriting my life. And, still I can’t face you yet because it’s awkward, but I do hope that one day we’ll just be able to sit and talk face to face. And let bygones be bygones.

And though, I can’t bring myself to tell you. I’m happy for you and your accomplishments. I’m proud of the woman you became. I only wish the best for your future endeavors.

You will never see this letter because you will never receive it. I can only hope that one day you accidentally discover my blog and find this letter. If not, it’s okay because I don’t wish for much but that you are happy.


One response to “Letters not Send, #1”

  1. Hello Mai Mai,

    It has been a while and I hope you have been well. Your letter reminds me of myself going through school. Like you, I did have someone who disliked me greatly and I never understood why. I guess some people will just dislike you for whatever reason. Or maybe it is just that they simply dislike you because they simply dislike you. It’s just as simple as trees grow from the ground, the stars are in the sky, water is the source of life, food is needed for survival, and the world is just the way it is. Thank you MaiMai for a wonderful post! You have inspired me and I shall share one letter to my bully:

    Dear Xue,

    I hate your guts! Ever since I started Elementary School I don’t know what I did to you to make me the target of your insults, harassment, and bullying. To start off, I didn’t even know nor understand English that well. I remember one time the teacher asked if one of the students took her movie. I didn’t know English that time and was just shaking my head up and down like a stupid kid unlike the other kids who were shaking their heads sideways. I was blamed for it even though I had nothing to do with it. And you even blamed me too saying you had seen me taking it and hiding it. I only knew of the consequences when my mom had told me in Hmong of what was happening.

    I see can see your Facebook profile with your name and whenever I see your face, it brings me back to my childhood years where I had to experience nothing but harassment and torment from you and the school. I hope I never have to face your damned ugly face again. The pain you inflicted on my childhood has caused me to distance myself away from everyone who’s not in my family. Never had I ever had one good close friend except for my good friend whom I parted with in middle school. I had always been by myself from elementary school to high school to college and to now with the exception of middle school. The only ones I keep close to myself are my immediate family members.

    If I have to see you in person again, a rage boils within me and I just want to punch you viciously and violently! If I meet anyone who’s related to you, I’ll cut them out of my life immediately and have no more association with them. I do not expect to make any amends with you and it will be that way. You are nothing but just a nightmare in my childhood that I have long forgotten but not forgiven and have stopped holding on to. And I will move on and prosper myself knowing that you are nothing more than just a bully in my fleeting memory when a better future is waiting for me.


    It feels good getting the feelings out! Once again, Thank You MaiMai for a super wonderful awesome post! May good fortune come to you! Best wishes! ^_^

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