Journal Diaries

Live the Life. Don’t Just Exist.

Lately, I’ve been going around all my social media accounts and seeing post such as “Should I do what my parents say or what I want to be happy?” or “I don’t know anymore” and “What should I do with my life?” And these are actually people around my age experiencing their mid-life crisis; actually, the correct term is quarter life crisis. To be even more honest with you, I am also experiencing right now while I’m typing up this article. It’s just that I only tell my friends about my problems and not share it with everyone. Whether you live with or without your parents, these life crises can come at any time. I’m also glad to share, that my life crisis is about to be over because I just decided to accept all the things that went downhill and the things that went right.

I used to live up to expectations, guidelines, and that also includes curfews. Heck, I barely went out and hang with my friends during high school. Always home, studying, cooking and doing chores like a good house-daughter. Really though, my parents were both working and busy so someone needed to be home early and that was my older sister and I. Now, looking at our younger sisters whom see to be carefree and have the whole world to themselves makes me jealous and really wish that they for once they can be in my shoes, my sister’s and mine place. Guess that’s never going to happen. However, when I went to college I was like a soaring eagle but I never forgot that my goal was to make my parents proud and myself proud. 

A lot of my friends always and still does tell me “My parents want me to do that or this, so I guess I’m going to do it.” I never really had that problem because my parents are supportive of what I want to do, except for joining gangs, drugs and prostitution. The typical parents, you know? And then they would ask me “Oh, what should I do?” Friends know that I have very sarcastic answers like “drop out” because if they really want an insightful response from me it’s long and more discussion to do and more listening for me to do. Sometimes I feel like I should have my own Dr. Phil or Oprah show. However, you know what? Sharing is actually something I’m good at doing most of the time. So today I’m going to share six words with you and interpret it anyway you want.


I used to be so happy sharing with my friends about the greatness in life that I desired. For example:

  • My hermit cottage by the beach
  • My own restaurant and my friends are going to help manage it
  • Opening my own clinic right across and beside of my friends’ clinics
  • Traveling to places with them
  • Have another house, maybe a mansion, for our get together’s dinner reunions

They all sound possible, but it’s a lot of work to do and a long way to get there. Exhausting, sweat, frustration, and fear are all in the way holding you, me, all of us back. Some of us, though, manage to get through while others don’t. One day, a technician came to fix our stove, he’s the regular guy that always come, and he told me “if think you’re not ready then it’s actually fear you’re afraid of. If you’re afraid then you might never know all the great things in life you will ever do.” We talked and he told me how sometimes his wife and kids would speak in German (I think??) and he would have no clue, we laughed about it. Then it went on to how he joined the army (can’t remember which branch) and he was stationed in the Philipines. There he opened his own little repairment shop and even have some locals working for him. Granted he’s in the army so there’s nothing to be afraid of in  stranger’s land, but before joining the army he was scared and wasn’t so sure. However, his dad told  him to go if he wanted to and to come back any time he wants too. For him, it was a good thing he went because he saw many countries, got to learn about many cultures, and met a lot of friends, including his wife. He finally told me “Sometimes you do what you gotta do to discover the things that you can do.”

When I was still in high school I took a lot of risks to find out what I can and cannot do, even if it includes ridiculous things like running up and down twenty flights of stairs in PE class including three laps around the track field all in 90 minutes. Boy, the endurance I had was amazing. Luckily, I still have that endurance. Guess you can say, as I got older I sort of stop gambling with my fate, but my words were still cold as icicles, but my spirit was just as fragile. I don’t know what had gotten into me all these negative thoughts about how I’m not so smart or as bright as my high school teachers and friends think I am. Sometimes I wanted to quit half ways plus I am easily disappointed nowadays. Especially with these interviews that I can never seem to land a job; however, I have become a pro at interviews now.

I am just an existence right now because I’m not really living the life I want, in fact, I didn’t really handle my own problems and situations well enough. I just sort of gave up working on it and started daydreaming about the life I always wanted. I was just lazy, I should have sorted out my problems when it first landed right in front of my feet instead of postponing it. That was a lot of procrastination and wasted about a year of my life when I could have sorted out my life right then and right there. However, it’s all part of growing up. The lessons you learn by experiences that cannot be changed with a higher test grade. It was sort of like a kickstart and a slap in the face for me to wake up from my long dormancy. It kind of work to tell the truth. I may not have a “real” job yet like most of my colleagues and friend, but at least I have a job and am starting to think more positive. In addition, to stop questioning what is it that I want and to be happy because moping around isn’t going to pop my answer right in front of me. Taking actions and piecing all the missing puzzles will make the answer pop out. Sometimes, it just might take longer for you. But if you’re still thinking about happiness and all of those crappy things, then don’t just be an existence, live it.

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